Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Pages to turn

My poor blog is so neglected. I feel like such a bad mom to my blog. Is there an agency out there like Blog Protective Services? If so I am pretty sure they will be knocking on my door and confiscating my keyboard any moment. Just seems like life has been so complicated lately.

Most people, with the exception of close friends and church family, did not know that I was having a hysterectomy until it was all said and done. I had been so sick for the past few months, even a year or more, that I was really hoping that I would feel a hundred times better after surgery.  Maybe that day is coming, but it isn't here yet. I do feel better, but I am still not me. I get tired very easily, and I can't seem to think clearly. Dragging myself through the day is about all I can do most days, and even then I feel like I am only doing most things half way.

My 40th birthday is this week. I am not looking forward to it. I know it is better than the alternative (LOL) but this is a very difficult time. Most people also did not know that we had tried for years to have another child, to no avail. I had always said no more kids after 30, then 35, then finally I set my deadline as 40. Now, due to health issues, that dream has ended. I am approaching 40 not so much as "old", but more the end of a chapter in my life. It isn't the end of the book, but it is the end of an important chapter.To be perfectly honest, I am really struggling with that. I don't understand how some women can have a dozen kids and can't/won't take care of any of them, while  so many women who would be wonderful mothers struggle with infertility as I (and my sister and most of our family) did.

I am so grateful that God blessed us with our daughter. She is growing into the loveliest young lady. She is funny, smart, talented and gifted in so many ways. She is sweet and beautiful and a real joy to be around. I wish that we had been able to give her a younger brother or sister, but obviously that is not meant to be. I have heard from well-meaning friends that I should be happy with what God gave me and not ask for more, that there are too many people on the planet anyway, that we should be grateful that we have one healthy child and not "test fate", and so much other unsolicited but well intended advice. I am incredibly blessed with my daughter, and I love her dearly. She is everything parents could dream of having and more.

But somehow, even though the surgery was necessary and I know in time I will be so thankful it was done, I feel sort of like I am spinning my wheels in life. And with 40 slapping me in the face, it's tough. I warned my husband and my best friend that if anyone tries to pull any of that "over the hill" or "lordy lordy look who's 40" crap I may just explode. They were both so understanding and I am grateful for their support. I know that turning 40 is not the end of the world, but when you couple it with other major life changes, it feels like it's pretty close. It isn't the age.......it's that I wasn't ready to write this chapter in the story of my life just yet. The worst part is it was written for me.


Nickie said...

What a bittersweet moment in life for you my dear friend, approching a birthday with the ending of a story you didn't even want to write. I know that people surely mean well with advice, but I say feel all the emotion you can, be entitled to not liking the circumstances surrounding what was best for your body; just not what you expected for your life. I'm afraid the forgetfullness is permanant, call it "dingy days"...there aren't so bad I have become quite adjusted to them; either that or I fake it good! LOL
You are still wonderful, thoughtful, loving, caring, kind, sweet, funny Michelle. It's okay to neglect some things, forget some things, complain about some things, be mad about some things, but always remember you are loved by many for EVERTYTHING you are.

Love you,

Debbie said...

I know this is a hard time for you, but God knows what is best for you and your family. Turning 40 is hard, it was for me and I am sure it is for alot of other people, but it isn't the end of the world. Look at it as starting a new chapter. I thought turning 50 was the hardest thing for me, it seems so old, but I don't feel old (or not most of the time). I hope and pray you get to feeling better, I can't believe it has taken you so long to overcome this surgery. Take care and yourself and know how very much you are loved.

Jamie Peterson said...

I love and will always be there for you......

Jamie said...

I feel ya sister... as a fellow wheel-spinner without a clue as to what comes next, I have blue days too. Of course that whole baby thing escapes me... ick, babies suck! lol
Don't you wish we could just go back to the scrapbook store and eat lunch while gossiping about the chiropractor next door? haha!
I'm prayin' for ya. ;)

Cecile said...

Take care of yourself and your faith will pull you through:)

Anonymous said...

My heart is with you......